See below a definitive guide to performing stances with items balanced on your head and pirate stancing.

Lemon on Czechoslovakian - This man clearly demonstrates the high level of skill required to balance a lemon on his head, or if your French citron sur la tête.

This girls clearly has mastered the art of pomme sur la tête.

Soup on simpleton - This dozy f*cker needs assistance to carry out the stance they call 'barattolo di minestra sulla testa di un simpleton' in Italy. I assume there is not much need for that phrase in the Mediterranean, however I only assume this, if anyone lives in Italy please let me know if all village idiots are required by law to wear a tin of soup on their heads when in public.

Lamp on sleeping man - Although dreaming, I see this man is proficient in balancing a lamp on his head, the stance they call 'la lámpara balanceó en la cabeza del hombre durmiente' in spain.

Owl on Cockney - This Londong Gentleman displays some fine stance work with an owl on his head.

Find below an interesting find by Phil Bentley. If you can't be arsed to click the link below I've copied the guide. Follow this guide and practice on a regular basis in order to peform piratical stances.

http://www.piratecaptain.co.uk/

My back is absolutely killing me! I've spent most of today trying out a few new piratical stances and it can certainly take its toll on the old joints. You can never underestimate the importance of a good piratical stance - my old mentor Calico Jack claims that for the first three years as a pirate captain he did little more than stand in a dramatic pose and laugh heartily. And by the end of that time he had the biggest bounty on his head on the Seven Seas!

The secret to a good piratical stance is simple - practice, practice, practice! And then practice again. I spend hours in front of the full length mirror in my office, trying out different angles, crooking a finger here, winking there. It took me two weeks to get just my beard position so that I was happy with it.

Here are a few tips for those starting out:

1. Keep the feet apart to lend yourself a dramatic 'pirate of action' pose. I use a protractor to get my legs at exactly 55º - any less and I'd look like I was waiting for a bus, any more and I'd risk doing myself a mischief.

2. Push the crotch forward. Don't worry - this isn't a dirty thing. It helps prevent your belly from bulging out and gives your thighs a ready-to-spring look.

3. Put one hand on a hip. Be very careful here - there's a fine line between the carefree spirit of the High Seas and looking like camp hairdresser. Try balling your hip hand into a fist and saying things like: 'I'll tell you what, lads. I don't half fancy women, me.'

4. Put the other hand in a 'doing position'. Hold the ship's steering wheel, wave a cutlass or a ham, ruffling the hair on a smaller pirate's head - anything. Keep it busy, but don't fidget. I can't
abide people who fidget.

5. Shoulders back, chest out. Hunchback pirates are notoriously rubbish at pirating, so make sure nobody mistakes you for one.

6. Jut chin and/or set jaw. Gritty determination is what you're after. I know what you're thinking "But Pirate Captain, haven't you got a luxuriant beard? How can they see your chin and/or jaw?" Look - who's the pirate captain here? That's right, it's me. So don't talk back, just do as I say. Get it? Good.

7. Keep your eyes narrowed. Stare into the middle distance to give the impression that you're always looking for something abstract and poetic over the next horizon. If the men ask you what you're looking at, say something enigmatic like "Truth, lads." or "Destiny, me beauties." Don't say "antique lace" or "a slide".

8. Get a lady to sit on the deck and hang off your leg sexily. This might be a bit chauvinist nowadays, but a few years back it was all the rage.

Get your pirate stance right and all the rest of it (running people through, roaring, sailing about in a boat, flashing eyes, wearing disguises etc.) will inevitably follow. Of course, you could always cut corners and improvise a piratical stance on the spot. But if I catch you, I'll slit your gizzard before you can say "Wait.. no, please don't slit my gizzard."